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 Thank you, Senator Craig. Thanks a lot.
I crapped in my pants today. In my car. At a red light. Maybe it was a bad karma thing for writing that Joe Paterno article. Or maybe I’ve just been lucky to reach the ripe old age of 35 without ever having lost a major battle to my lower intestines. Whatever the case, I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho.
There I was at Wal-Mart. I had my buggy full and just had to get some hot dog buns on my stroll back to the checkout lane. Then it happened. That hideous, goose-bump raising rumble. But I’ve been there, and remember, I have a record of like 853-0 so I fought it off like the Germans vs the French, I or II. I was so at ease that I even meandered to the opposite side of the store to get the dog food I had almost forgotten. MISTAKE. After tossing the bag in my buggy, I realized that I had roughly 3 minutes to get to a bathroom. At this point my leisurely stroll turned into a stiff-legged, bug eyed zombie march the likes of which had to cause the security camera guys concern for the safety of my fellow shoppers.
Only an idiot would not have have gone to the restroom at this point. And I will tell you this...my fear of sitting on a public toilet was completely overcome at the age of 24 while sharing an apartment with 2 other guys. Our bathroom was so bad that an Alabama truck stop offered a hygienically superior alternative. So that didn’t stop me, Sen. Craig stopped me.
All I could picture was me sitting there, then suddenly a foot slides under the stall. I stare at the foot in shocking silence. Then the foot begins to tap. I stare at the tapping foot in shocking silence. Then a hand comes groping under the stall like you or I might fumble for the remote under the couch. I stare at the hand in shocking silence. What do you do? Shoo it away like a fly? Say “No thanks, I’m O.K.”? United States Senator or not, this would be pretty unnerving. So I checked out and left. Then I crapped in my pants today. In my car. At a red light.
Thank you, Sen. Craig, thanks a lot.
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